Remember to Breathe as You Undertake Your Recovery
Five months ago I found myself lying on the ground Christmas night; alone, naked, and wrapped in a towel. I lay there shivering as I drifted in and out of sleep wondering how I could have let things go so far. I was scared and disgusted with myself. Scared that was it, I was going to leave this world an empty shell. How did I end up in this position? Five years of Bulimia and the chaos of my mental health pulling me down.
Here I am, healing, everything connecting. I began healing the night of December 27th. I drank some water. I was exhausted from lack of sleep from anxiety. Dehydrated and malnourished from living off sips of water, coffee, protein bars, and massive binges and purges. I went to the grocery store and bought the basics. Eggs, bread, frozen vegetables, and peanut butter. This is what I lived on for some time, then I started researching healing foods. Then the nutrition packed smoothies, fresh produce, quinoa, and lentils happened. I felt like I was giving my body the best I could; researching nutrition, tracking food on an app, I was healing. I had this newfound energy and clearer mind, life started to make sense. Food was still consuming every free moment of my life and I wanted out. This secret that consumed my mind for so long in ways that I still don’t understand. Everything in my head felt like this second life I was living. My external life didn’t feel true and honest.
I started exploring. I went through a nesting phase adding life to my home. Then added more creative activities; sketching, photography, and writing. Yoga and strength training became nightly routines. Most importantly connecting with people. There is so much to experience in life. So much potential and beauty. So many unique souls. But life gets overwhelming. Balance can be lost. Little things build up that try to crumble all the good you have done. It happened to me, and it will happen again. The past few week challenged me. I couldn’t keep up with my life and the way I was healing. I wanted to give up, I was so tired of everything. I sprinted when I should have walked. I need to breathe and slow down.
Exhaustion. Anxiety. Depression. Anger. Loneliness. Happiness. Everything and Nothing. We all feel and heal in unique ways. Take your time.