Ten Years of Change
I am proud of who I am today. I am not proud of every moment that led me here. But I am here. Life has its unique challenges for all of us, and we overcome them in our own way. Take your time as you find your way, life is a constant opportunity for growth.
Five months ago I hit bottom as I struggled with a five year long eating disorder. I was reaching new and amazing places with my transition from female-to-male, but still held back by this destructive disorder. Now five months in recovery, I look back on the past ten years of my life and all the change I experienced. What has your journey been like as you grow in this demanding and evolving world?
June 2009 – May 2019
June 2009 – High School Graduation.I remember being so frustrated about having to find a dress to wear underneath the gown. I was afraid of breaking the “rules” back then.
March 2012– I started experimenting with my hair. Not much happened for 3 years besides studying.
July 2012– I didn’t know how to pose for photos. I felt so awkward.
July 2013 – Right out of college I chopped off the hair and rocked the Bieber cut for a minute.
May 2014 – First job out of college, still awkwardly posing. As a student for the majority of my life, I went from sitting and studying to constantly moving and challenging my body.
June 2014 – The start of getting healthier. I used to love running. Years of dieting and poor self image left me uneducated about how to properly nourish my body. Once the weight was off I didn’t know how to have a healthy relationship with food. Disordered eating and eventually bulimia developed.
December 2014 – Maybe I do want long hair? Just wandering around as time passed.
November 2015 – Nah, lets experiment again.
March 2016 – Family fun and running.I was becoming more aware of who I was and who I wanted to become. Tutus are fun if they fit the occasion.
April 2016 – Trying new things and meeting people in the community.
August 2016 – Things are starting to make sense, becoming less afraid of how I present myself. But oh man, the looks I got in the restrooms. I was constantly seeking out gender neutral restrooms for the next year.
February 2016 – 2 months on testosterone. The weight starts coming back, but I am already deep in my eating disorder. No one knew. Not even my partner I was living with;I am not proud of that time.
June 2017 – 7 months on testosterone and trying too hard to pass as male.
November 2017 – Feeling lost, anxious, and depressed. Better play with the hair again. This was right after quitting a job. Anxiety and depression overwhelming me.
April 2018 – 4 months single, working a night job and barely sleeping. Same month I was welcomed back into my old job where I still currently work.
July 2018 – Who needs hair anyways. Feeling good about life for the first time in a long time.
October 2018 – Loving who I was becoming, and more Disney fun with family. Anxiety got the best of me during this vacation. My secret eating disorder was starting to affect my life more.
November 2018 – Chest pain that wasn’t going away, better get that checked out. Just a mild case of pericarditis most likely caused from the bulimia.
December 2018 – That didn’t motivate me to change my life. I stopped taking care of myself and I still couldn’t see what I was doing to my body and soul. I hit bottom less than a week later.
8 January 2019 – Freshly pierced and ready to move forward.The day everything changed. Health became my priority.
Feeling the benefits of a nutritious diet means more fun.
Filling my home home with life and color.
Peace found while capturing moments from the lives of birds.
Life is full of beauty. Live it honestly and kindly.